He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
