why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
