If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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