I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I smell stomach acid.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
