I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
