do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
