I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
