If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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