Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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