I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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