Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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