We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
