It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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