oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
