if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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