Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
