So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
