That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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