The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
