My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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