if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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