we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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