did you get engaged???
We named our party play list daddy issues
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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