I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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