Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
