i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It was confusing and full of hummus
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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