The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
