You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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