it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
