So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
