I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
