Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Don't make out with my wife yet
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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