The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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