I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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