oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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