the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have fence marks all over my body
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
