I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
