Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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