So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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