Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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