It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
