no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
