Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
