respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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