Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
