Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
