I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
