He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
