The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
