AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
