She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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