Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
