1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
