I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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