It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
